what if

i have a friend who i visit once every 3-4 weeks. she's a great listener, and gives pretty good advice - regardless of my desire for advise, good or not. if she passes any sort of judgement on me, she's never shown it.
of course, i pay her for all of this. it's worth it.

a month or so ago, she suggested i write down every what if question that passes through my mind. this, she explained, would help me identify stressors, those things that cause me anxiety. (she has suggested that i may have some control and anxiety issues, which have led to an "addiction" to the adrenaline brought on by being stressed out. we're working on reprogramming my brain to function happily without a constant, heightened state of anxiety or stress.) from there, we can rework those questions into manageable statements - what if i miss a call from my boss becomes if i miss a call from my boss, i'll return the call as soon as possible.

i didn't write down every what if - if i did, i wouldn't have time to do anything else, but i did write down a pretty good cross section of them. i think there were 50 or so on the list, ranging from the normal, what if i miss a call from my boss, to the (perhaps) absurd, what if i lose my job because i missed a call from my boss or what if my parents think i'm a total fuck up?

my friend read over the list last week.
she said it stressed her out...

i wonder if that means she may be right about me.

proof of age

two reasons i'm relatively certain that the whole "the thirties are the new twenties" philosophy is bullsh*t:

1. i spent the past hour & a half organizing my socks into careful, perfect pairs - not just by type and color, but by wear pattern and remaining elasticity.

2. at the market today, the bagger boy (a skinny 16-year-old) eyed my two bags of groceries and said - in what sounded like utter sincerity - "those are pretty heavy bags, ma'am. would you like me to help you and carry those out to your car?" ...seriously.

quality time, L style

had dinner with the folks tonight. conversation centered on the the anatomical and aesthetic differences between circumcised and non-circumcised penises. at one point i explained to my mother how to find the "mushroom" on the "uncut" version.

just another example of how my family is not like yours.

small victories

why wait for the huge ones? celebrate every little victory in your day.

a recent one for me:
i ran my first race this past weekend, a 5K benefiting the university of wisconsin alumni association. the professor nudged me into it, saying it would be a great "test run" (ha!) for the detroit free press marathon 5K for which i've been training since august - and is next week!

i figured he was right, so i registered and joined him at the starting line. we jokingly said that we would run together... yeah, 'cause novice-me can keep up with 6-minute-mile him!!!

in any case, my goals were to NOT WALK and to finish in under 34 minutes, and i accomplished BOTH! there were over 1,100 participants, and i finished 450 overall, and 17th in my age group (30-34 year olds) with a time of 30:52!!

yay, me!!

all that i ever wanted

i expected, by now:
to be married (happily)
to be respected in my career (maybe even famous)
to have friends who have known me for years and who understand my every nuance
to have made a couple of little people in my image (or his)
to have seen my parents show pride at my being their daughter
to own a lovely home in a quiet neighborhood on the far outskirts of suburbia
to have traveled throughout europe (and north america)
to be in great shape - and not just “for my age”
to have an admirable financial portfolio
to feel confident and self-assured and proud of my life and my choices


as it is,
i have him, he who i love and who loves me (we even talk of marriage)
i have a job i enjoy and at which i am quite good - maybe it’s not a “career,” but it’s interesting, challenging and rewarding
i have a small group of close friends - valuable for the quality of friendship, despite their relative newness (longevity will come, as always, with time)
i have two furry, four-legged canine kids (not quite in my image - or his, but wonderful nonetheless)
i have a great relationship with my parents (who may not understand me or my choices, but who love and support me)
i have a roof and four walls, be they rented
i have traveled to milwaukee, boston, chicago, phoenix, toronto, san francisco, las vegas and the canary islands (so far)
i can breathe and walk and bend and jump and run and speak and see and hear and think and remember... well, most of the time i can remember
i have a little green in the bank, minimal debt and the car runs well
i have more confidence than i did at 20, or 25, or 32; i have the self-assurance that comes with having made mistakes and learned from them; i have pride in my life as it is right now and humility regarding the choices - many of them poor - that got me here



this is not the life i planned, not the life i expected
i am not the woman i dreamed of as a girl, or even the one i envisioned as a young woman
my story isn’t poetic or heroic or even all that interesting
but it’s mine

and it, and i, am all that i ever wanted, and less
and more