all that i ever wanted

i expected, by now:
to be married (happily)
to be respected in my career (maybe even famous)
to have friends who have known me for years and who understand my every nuance
to have made a couple of little people in my image (or his)
to have seen my parents show pride at my being their daughter
to own a lovely home in a quiet neighborhood on the far outskirts of suburbia
to have traveled throughout europe (and north america)
to be in great shape - and not just “for my age”
to have an admirable financial portfolio
to feel confident and self-assured and proud of my life and my choices


as it is,
i have him, he who i love and who loves me (we even talk of marriage)
i have a job i enjoy and at which i am quite good - maybe it’s not a “career,” but it’s interesting, challenging and rewarding
i have a small group of close friends - valuable for the quality of friendship, despite their relative newness (longevity will come, as always, with time)
i have two furry, four-legged canine kids (not quite in my image - or his, but wonderful nonetheless)
i have a great relationship with my parents (who may not understand me or my choices, but who love and support me)
i have a roof and four walls, be they rented
i have traveled to milwaukee, boston, chicago, phoenix, toronto, san francisco, las vegas and the canary islands (so far)
i can breathe and walk and bend and jump and run and speak and see and hear and think and remember... well, most of the time i can remember
i have a little green in the bank, minimal debt and the car runs well
i have more confidence than i did at 20, or 25, or 32; i have the self-assurance that comes with having made mistakes and learned from them; i have pride in my life as it is right now and humility regarding the choices - many of them poor - that got me here



this is not the life i planned, not the life i expected
i am not the woman i dreamed of as a girl, or even the one i envisioned as a young woman
my story isn’t poetic or heroic or even all that interesting
but it’s mine

and it, and i, am all that i ever wanted, and less
and more