is it possible to come to a rational, non-biased understanding that one's life is without value or meaning? to evaluate in some quantitative & qualitative fashion the merit of your own existence?
that thought has been following me around and annoying me all week. it's such a dawson's creek question that i want to slap myself for thinking it. (actually, the fact that i can reference dawson's creek makes me want to slap me - and may be proof that my life is meaningless.)
i'm not feeling suicidal, i'm not in a particularly blue place emotionally. i just can't see any valid point to what i'm doing or who i am. i don't know that i add anything valuable or interesting to the world. heck, i don't think i add anything valuable or interesting to MY world, let alone THE world. i go to work, i come home. i run occasionally, go to the gym when i start feeling sluggish and sloppy. i read and watch trash television. i visit my folks and my boyfriend. i have dinner with friends once in a while. i piss off people.
i question things - often, but rarely do anything about the unsatisfying answers i find.
i have a job that's not exactly a career, but it makes me happy. i do it well, solve some problems, feel validated and leave it at the office. it's not going to change the world or impress anyone.
i have a relationship that is nice. nice. it's long-distance, so i have plenty of "space." we see each other once every 3-4 weeks, and at holidays. we have 4.5 weeks together at christmas, which is great and difficult. it's hard to get into a comfortable groove when you are together-apart-together-apart, and when you have your own (physical) space situated according to your needs then disrupted by someones presence.
even when you want that presence.
it causes tension and arguments, and i don't handle either well.
i have a few close friends, good people with interesting and important or meaningful lives with spouses and/or kids and Careers and missions and activities. often, these friendships are kept up via email, text message and the occasional phone call.
i used to think i would be someone amazing and interesting, someone people noticed, for the right reasons. i thought i would be intelligent and creative and feel purpose and fulfillment. i also thought i would understand love and have a family and close circle of friends, like i saw (see) on tv and in movies. yes, i believed that hype.
maybe that's the problem: i believed what i saw and what i read. i believed that 30-somethings hung out in funky coffee shops with witty friends, that ms. or mr. right would really understand me and love away my hurt spots, that painful or upsetting events would reveal deeper truths or greater meanings.
i believed in happy endings, when really, the only ending is death, and how happy is that?
i believed in meaning, and haven't found any.
